Sunday, September 25, 2005

Found a stitch

Thanks to my friend Beth, who reminded me that I still have a stitch of clothing.  Tomorrow, I call the Children’s Hospital to see about volunteering my time to help take care of newborn babies.



And thanks to my friend Traci, who helped me find the words to describe the cloth.  It can be found in this discussion:



“Once there came the great Rabbi Menachem Mendel of Kotsk, he who lived in the nineteenth century.

A man came who said, “Rabbi, I simply cannot believe.”

“Why not, my son?” the rabbi asked.

“Because I see in this world deceit and corruption.”

The rabbi answered, “So why do you care?”

The man continued, “I see in this world hunger, poverty and homelessness.”

And the rabbi once again said, “So why do you care?”

The man said, “What do you mean, Rabbi, why do I care? What else is there to care about but the way of the world?”

Rabbi Menachem Mendel of Kotsk ended the conversation and said, “Do not be disturbed. If you care so much, you are a believer.”



Oh, and I guess I have another piece of cloth I forgot about.  I have friends.
Posted by AdamLink in 20:55:33 | Permalink | Comments (3)

Nakedness

I realized recently that I have lost everything. 



Oh, not material goods…I still have an apartment, a bed, my computer, my car, and other things



No, what I have lost is everything about who I thought I was, and what I wanted out of life. When I wake up in the morning now, I have no idea why I am still here on earth.  Getting up now is going through the motions. 



I go to work.  Why? Because if I don’t, I won’t have income, and then I won’t be able to pay my bills.  But the work I do means absolutely nothing to me.  And yet, I have no idea what I would really like to be doing.



After work, I go home, because except for things like grocery shopping and putting gas in my car, there is nothing in the outside world that draws me anymore.  Nothing I want to do, no place I look forward to going to.



I turn on the television….and find I’m only half interested in the shows that used to have me riveted, such as CSI, or NCIS.  And nothing else on television even interests me at all.  So I pick up a book….and after a few pages realize that I don’t remember what I’ve read.



There was a time when what I wanted more than anything in the world was to find a woman and ‘live happily ever after.”  But now, I have lost interest in being part of a relationship.  It is not in me anymore.  I’ve even lost all interest in flirting.  Pretty damn strange, they tell me, for a Gemini to stop flirting.  But I’ve even lost that part of me.



I stand here naked.  Naked of everything that I used to identify as Zane.  I am not wearing a persona anymore…and I don’t know how to start building a new one.



I have no interested in suicide…but I think I can understand better how a sucide feels now.  If you lose who you are…..then life has no meaning. 



I’m spending my time now, hoping that something in life will interest me….and then maybe I can start start getting dressed again.



Posted by AdamLink in 19:12:55 | Permalink | Comments (1) »